As usual, God has placed a song on my heart that applies directly to where I am. It's called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts. The lyrics are really challenging to me, but they are exactly what I need.
I know that no matter what the outcome of this semester is, I know that whatever piece of news I get today will not change the fact that God is faithful. I have spent countless hours in prayer of this current situation and have asked many people to be praying as well. I've been told things like "It could work, but I'm not holding my breath." and "It's a really small chance." but I am reminded that God can take small and make it big. He can take "could" and make it "can". With him all things are possible.
One of the hardest lines in that song for me is this: "Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s okay if You don’t." I have a particularly difficult time singing that line, but God's working on my heart and little by little I feel peace settling in - regardless of the outcome.
I'm about to compare my life/what I'm learning right now to a Disney movie, so prepare yourself.
You know that scene in Aladdin where Aladdin holds out his hand for Jasmine's and says, "Do you trust me?" and she replies, looking very uncertain, "What?" and he repeats the same statement, "Do you trust me?", with a hesitant "Yes" she places her hand in his and he says "Then jump!" and then they jump off the side of the building.
I love youtube - people put everything on it! In case you don't remember that part, watch the clip!
I feel like that's where I have been the with Lord the past few days He says to me, "Do you trust me?" and I'm over here going, "Whaaaaat?" as if I don't fully want to answer the question, because I know what comes next. And he repeats it again, "Morgan, do you trust me?" and to which I reply, "Yes I do." And he has gently reminded me that he is in control of all things. I feel like I have taken that jump, I've lept off the side of the building but I haven't landed - I'm still falling. And this fall is a long one.
I know that in all things, in all circumstances, and in everything, that God is fully and completely in control. Even in what feels like chaos to me, he is in control. Sometimes (more often than I would like) I tend to think that I know what is best, but I don't. Even when the direction that everything is heading feels so wrong, God is constant and faithful. I know he's watching out for me - even when it feels like every where I turn things are falling apart.
These are a few verses that are really getting me through this:
"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." -Galatians 6:9
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with theglory that is to be revealed to us." -Romans 8:18
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." -James 1:2-3 (this is pretty much my verse for this school year)
I don't quite no where to begin in relation to Lebanon. I don't know whether to talk about the logistics of it all: where we went, what we did, and what we saw. Or the things God did in my heart. Or the food, because believe me, I could talk about the food for a while. I just honestly don't know where to begin....so I'm just going to jump right in and see where the words take me. Here we go:
I learned a lot over that trip, but when people ask me what I learned or what God did in my heart, I am at a loss for words. The things that really moved my heart and the things that really changed me aren't things that are easily described. I experienced the power of God in amazing ways and I got to see firsthand how the Lord just poured out his spirit on people who were as dry and thirsty as the ground of the Sahara. I got to see a young girl's eyes move from a place of sadness to a place a happiness, at least for a time. I got to experience God's healing power as he instantly healed me of sickness.
So I ask you, how do I begin to describe these things in mere words? Where do I begin to try and put words to something that is beyond them? How do I begin to describe the power of God? I am at a loss, yet I will try anyway, even though I feel that no matter how many times I re-write, it will fall short of the actual experience itself, no matter how hard I try. In a way I like that, there is something so powerful in an experience that cannot fully be explained. And at the same time I wish I could download the mental pictures of these things from my heart on to this page.
The first thing that comes to mind when people ask me about the trip is this precious 12 year old girl. She was the daughter of the pastor we were working with in Beirut. God blessed me with the opportunity to have many one-on-one conversations with her and I feel so incredibly blessed to see what God was unfolding in her heart and life. I got to see a girl who had sad eyes when we arrived smile with joy that wasn't there before. I pray for her often, because I was blessed to see part of the work God is doing in her heart.
There was a lot of spiritual warfare on this trip for me. The enemy really tried to use a lot of different situations and circumstances to get to me, and I also got sick. On the night of our last concert I was unable to hear out of one of my ears because my head was so stuffy. Well, let me tell you, it's really hard to see if you are on key when you can't hear yourself out of one ear! Right before the concert, me, my mom, and Bill were praying and as Bill prayed for me, I swallowed and all of the sudden my ear was completely clear. I stopped Bill from praying and said, "Okay, we're good!" God is so good and faithful, and when we has a plan for you, he will remove or help you over the obstacles that stand in your way.
FInally, on Monday night we got to go back to the Logos Hope (we were also there on Friday night). We had been asked by some of the crew members to come and do some workshops and have a night of worship for the ship's company. This was at the very end of our trip and it was the day before we were leaving and let me just say, we were tired. But again, God never fails. Like I already said, these people were like dry thirsty ground and God came and poured out his spirit and his peace and his power on that place, those people, and that night. God filled our entire band and as he filled us, it overflowed to the crew. There was one moment in particular that stand out: we were over halfway done with the night and we're singing and playing and people are worshiping in so many different languages and God just came and overwhelmed us to heavily that people were falling to their knees and on their faces. All of the sudden all of the band stops playing and is on their knees, I stopped singing on mic and went to my knees, and Bill went to his knees with one hand still on the keyboard trying to play something. It was the most precious time of worship I have had in a long time. These people came away feeling to refreshed and renewed and I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to be there.
Even as I re-read that previous paragraph, the words are so insufficient to what actually happened. I loved the trip so much. I love the way it was so different than any other trip and I love the way it challenged me. I love what God taught me, and I love what he's still doing in my heart as a result. God is so good.
I don't know how it's possible to spend a few hours with people you just met, but when you leave, feel closer to them than you do to people that you see everyday or have known for years. The connections you can form with people so quickly astounds me when you come together for a common purpose.
My heart hurts and at the same time, it's overflowing with love and joy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have gotten to know these people and at the same time, it shakes me to my very core that I might never get to see them again. I know that sounds slightly dramatic, but I can't fully explain this without saying things like that. And let's be honest, sometimes life is dramatic and guess what, that's okay.
You know when you meet people and there is just and instant connection and you go there and you go deep and it isn't awkward or hard - it's natural. I find that way of living so much more rewarding than the shallow everyday interactions that we so often fall prey to in America.
Tonight onboard the Logos Hope we had an incredible night of worship and there were people laying on their faces worshiping the Lord, there were people who were brought to their knees in tears and were weeping before the Lord. For the band, it was the most amazing experience and we were all so lost in worship that it kind of amazes me that we all started and stopped together. You know when you have that sweet time of worship with the Lord and you walk away feeling such a sense of peace and almost tangibly feeling the presence of the Lord? Well that was tonight.
After worship I sat and talked with Stephanie and a little bit later Matt joined us. I'm so blessed to have gotten the privilege to get to know these two amazing people and I wish I had gotten more time with them, but God knows what He's doing, and I trust Him. But I cannot lie, when I got in the van after saying by to them on the ground at port, I definitely shed a few tears.
My heart hurts and I miss them - even though I only knew them a few days. God is good and has blessed me with the opportunity to know some amazing people - and I'm thankful for that, even if it's just for a few days.
This place is amazing. It absolutely floors me everytime I look out my window and see the Mediterranean Sea. It is breath-taking pretty much everytime I look.
Yesterday afternoon I sat out on the balcony and had some good precious time with the Lord. I sat there drinking my hot tea, listening to my iPod, reading my Bible, and journaling all while looking out on to the Mediterranean Sea. Talk about AMAZING.
Most of our time here has been spend rehearsing, sightseeing, and then so far we have done one chapel service in a school. The school was a really neat experience in itself. It was a catholic school and it was pretty much an all girls school. People here just stare at me, and I'm not talking about just a passing glance, I mean they will just look and look and look for like five minutes - and that's no exaggeration. We asked Milad, our contact here, why they all keep looking at me. He said it's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes - I don't know why I didn't think of that reason in the first place. So basically, I'm a novelty over here, so people just stop and stare. Thank goodness we are traveling with a great group of guys - so I don't think anyone will be approaching me anytime soon. :)
I'm really looking forward to this weekend. We're going to be doing three big concerts and I'm actually going to be leading two songs - AH! I can't believe it. Bill just asked me to do another one tonight - Here I Am to Worship. When you think about the words - it's totally a Christmas song. LOVE IT. At the beginning of the week I got really intimidated because this band is full of absolutely amazing musicians, and here I was having to ask for help to hear the harmonies. I was literally in tears before our first performance at the school. But God is good and I am surrounded by people who are encouraging and with God's help - I'm going to nail this harmonies.
This literally feels surreal, and I don't think that I am going to fully be aware that it actually happened until I come back. I cannot express to you the sense of urgency that I still feel for this country in this time. I was not aware of the fact that Lebanon is a country that has been through so many different times of war. The whole city of Beirut is in a stage of rebuilding and there are huge construction projects happening all over the city. It's amazing - but sad at the same time.
Today we went sightseeing and it was beautiful - but I'll have to write about those things later, because it is 11:41 pm here (4:41 pm at home) and I have to get to bed because we have to be up for breakfast at 7:30 in the morning - it's gonna be a long, but wonderful day - I can just tell :)
Well, I can't believe another semester is over. It has been the fastest and the longest semester, and yes, I am well aware that I sound crazy. :) But it's true. This semester has been the most unexpected, the most challenging, the most frustrating, and in a way, the most rewarding semester I've had over the past two and a half years.
Before leaving for school back in August, I was having a really difficult time with the idea of going back. I was ready to go, but I knew that this semester was not going to be anything like the previous semesters and I knew it would be challenging, but I had no idea it would be like it was. BUT, and I've said this a lot, and if you've talked to me about this semester, I can pretty much guarantee that I said this to you: I would not trade this semester for easy one. I have learned so much more through these trials than I would have if this semester had been all sunshine and butterflies. Life is not always a pretty and peaceful walk in the park, and as clique as this sounds, sometimes it is a climb up a mountain in the pouring rain - but that's okay. In fact, it is good. I know I've said it, and I'll say it again - I would not trade it. It's been such a precious time with Jesus. Learning to trust him and walk through life everyday with a new mindset and a new sense of purpose is a beautiful thing.
Well, in a little under five hours I will be flying out to Lebanon. I cannot explain to you in words how excited I am for this trip. Last week I was sitting in my room trying to pack and I was listening to some music and I was praying and asking the Lord what his heart was for this trip; what is his purpose for us going. All of the sudden I was struck with the overwhelming sense of urgency. And very clearly I hear this, "I am moving. You are going to meet a need that is urgent." I cannot fully put it all into words the sense that was in my heart in my spirit at that moment, but I found myself on my knees praying and asking the Lord to prepare my heart for what is coming.
I am so ready, guys. I'm excited, but not in the traditional sense that most people would think of. I know God is about to move in some big ways, I can't wait to see. I'm a willing vessel and I cannot wait to see how he moves! I will by flying over the ocean in a few hours :)
Isn't it interesting how God can just completely transform your heart? I'm kind of amazed by it. Last night I was reading through my journal and I was looking back at where I was and what I was writing six months ago and then three months ago, and I'm just in complete awe. It's awesome to see how God can change your heart and change your desires almost instantly, and yet some take time to change. God just amazes me, he truly does.
This semester has been such a whirlwind and when looking back, I barely know what happened or how I made it through. That's the honest truth. What I do know: The Lord has carried me. There is absolutely no way that I have gone through this semester without him carrying me.
I think that at different points during this semester, my heart has been broken before the Lord as it never has before and then at other points my heart has never overflowed with joy more than it has this semester, and at some points, both were happening. It's crazy, I know. God has been humbling me in so many ways that it's kind of ridiculous.
The plan that God had/has for this semester is pretty much the exact opposite of what I had planned. If someone had come to me in May and told me everything that was going this fall I would NOT have believed them. But nevertheless, I am so grateful for it. If you've talked to me at all this semester, you've heard me say this, but I honestly mean this: I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't trade the hard stuff for easy. I wouldn't trade in the refinement for something comfortable. This semester has taught me so much and these lessons and the heart transformation that is taking place is worth far more than being comfortable or having it "easy". As Christians, we are not promised that this life would be easy. In fact, we can see that following Christ is far from easy - but it is the one decision I've made in my life that is invaluable.
The people who have met me this semester, I feel, have gotten such a different first impression of me than they would have if they had met me under any other circumstances. I've really wrestled with the Lord on this particular issue - considering the fact that I've been trying to make some new friends this semester. He made one thing very clear to me very early on: I will bring the friends to you that you need and they will like you because you are you, not because you make a great first impression. Yes, humbling is definitely what you can call that.
I've come a long way with this post all to say that my heart feels so different. Yes, feelings change, but there are days my heart feels different and there are days it doesn't - but I know it is. My desires have changed, my goals have changed, my life has changed. God is doing such a work in me, and it's all for His glory. And honestly, that's all I want. I don't want my story to be about me - I want it to be about the Lord. I want to show people the love of the Lord and let them see the freedom we have in Christ.
I am found, forgiven, and free; I want everyone to know that same love and freedom.
Everyday is a new adventure. I'm following the Lord and I'm excited for where He is taking me! :) I am learning to glorify Him with every step that I take and every word that I say. I'm on a journey with the Lord and I'm falling more and more in love with Him each passing day.
