Scroll down just a little and take a look at the post where I reference Aladdin and once you read that, this following sentence will make sense: I've finished my very long fall and I've landed...and it was definitely a rough landing.
I have been challenged like I have not been challenged in a long time. It is a rare moment in time when I actually understand why God does what he does. I am very frustrated. Sometimes I want life to be fair - and it's not, I know that, but I want it to be. Sometimes it feels like you have been dealt a crappy hand and that at some point, you should be able to catch a break, right? Well guess what, God's plans are greater than we can see. I know all of this. I know all the right answers, but at the moment, let's be honest - I don't like my current situation and to say that I'm a little frustrated would be a gross understatement.
This feels like a really cruel practical joke. Now, I know that God is not mean and not cruel - I'm not saying that he is those things, because hear me clearly - HE IS NOT. What I don't understand is why this opportunity was allowed to be presented to me, especially since it was the EXACT answer to my prayers, only to be taken away from me. That is something I do not understand. It does not seem right.
God and I have spent quite a lot of time discussing this lovely series of events. And I keep getting the same answer in that still, small, quiet voice: Morgan, trust me. Trust. That word can be so hard for me sometimes. Especially when it felt like so many things pointed to the fact that he was going to open the doors that were needed, and he didn't. I know he has a reason for not opening the doors, but I just don't know what the reasons are.
To say that I'm disappointed is also an understatement. I really really wanted this. I'm upset, I won't hide that. I also don't understand this, don't like this, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, I'm confused, and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to accept this. I know I have to accept it, and I know it isn't changing, I'm just not there yet. I'm far from okay, but I will be okay...at some point.
I know that God is good, I know that he is faithful, and I know that he is in control and I know that no matter what, he will give me the strength to make it through this semester. I know it all of these things and I also believe all of these things. I know that I will be okay, it's just going to take some time.
Singing Harmony,
Morgan
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